Earth Liberation Front Burns Down Earth First! Journal Office

1 Apr

from KTIV / West Palm BeachA scene from ``If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front.''

Early this morning the Earth First! Journal office in Lake Worth, Fla. ignited in flames. Near the back of the building police found messages left in black and red spray paint that read: “If you print it, we will burn it,” “E.L.F.” and “Wilderness not Fonts.” 

Then at 5 am, local news station KTIV recieved an anonymous communique, signed by the Earth Liberation Front, an ecoterrorist organization that many claim to be an underground wing of the Earth First! movement.

The Earth Liberation Front takes credit for torching the Earth First! Journal office in Lake Worth, Fla. The Journal continues to print articles that exhibit capital letters at the beginning of each sentence. In light of global opposition to capitalism, and the murder of our planet at the hands of capitalists, the Journal’s use of capitalization needs to be stopped. We chose this office because it contains the bulk of the machines–the computers and other gizmos–these so called “luddite” office-slaves use to contaminate the radical print industry and enrich a sick and hierarchical grammar that privileges the first letters of sentences, diminishing the freedom and worth of all those that follow, trapped between an opening dictator and a period (or some other sort of end punctuation.)

After cutting through the padlock on the door to the office, we placed 4 five-gallon buckets filled with half gasoline and half diesel in strategic locations. Windows were broken to provide the fire with oxygen and timers were set.

Within just a few minutes the operation was complete.

We are the burning rage of a dying planet.

Welcome to the struggle of all species to be free!

Earth Liberation Front (ELF)

Read more at KTIV

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12 Responses to “Earth Liberation Front Burns Down Earth First! Journal Office”

  1. Princess Mononoke April 1, 2013 at 2:48 pm #

    That’s pretty funny. Good April fools joke.

  2. EF! J Collective Everglades Office April 1, 2013 at 3:32 pm #

    Woah I never noticed how big the mountains are in Florida.

    • Robert Hunt April 2, 2013 at 7:52 am #

      Those aren’t mountains – they’re compost heaps!

  3. Ryan April 1, 2013 at 6:53 pm #

    Isn’t satire required to have some exaggeration of deviation from reality? ;-)

    • Earth First! Journal Sonoran Office April 1, 2013 at 8:43 pm #

      I think so. But maybe I don’t get you point. Do you know of the ELF torching the luxury condos of grammar instructors or something? Would love to see those links.

  4. Lundy Bancroft April 1, 2013 at 7:08 pm #

    They told me they needed the gasoline for their lawnmower. I don’t know why I believed them. I’m really sorry. (And the diesel’s not my fault, I have no idea where they got that.)

  5. Earth First! Journal Cascadia Office April 1, 2013 at 8:28 pm #

    I didn’t realize that the EF!J office was so big! Is the newswire really bringing in that much dough?

  6. Just Kidding April 1, 2013 at 11:40 pm #

    The staff writers tried to unionize…

  7. hbdfivgbr April 2, 2013 at 12:46 am #

    that video link is fuuuucked uppp!

  8. Dan Liftman April 2, 2013 at 9:30 am #

    And I bought it wholesale. Never kid a kidder. Good one.

    • sid a. sido April 3, 2013 at 2:02 pm #

      @ dan liftman: warped! it fooled me, too!

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